


Half of my Heart, All of my Love

by FatalTie



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-11
Updated: 2014-06-11
Packaged: 2018-02-04 07:11:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1770244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FatalTie/pseuds/FatalTie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She has Mikado's blue eyes and Anri's button nose; one plus one will never equal three.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Half of my Heart, All of my Love

She has Mikado’s blue eyes and Anri’s button nose.

It hadn’t bother Kida at first. When she had been born, he was ecstatic as Mikado. He had been the first to hold the baby, briefly after she had been born. And he had looked down at that beautiful baby and thought, _finally. We’re going to have a family._

They had been together for years, Mikado and him, living together just the two of them. They never could marry, but for all intents and purposes, they considered themselves married anyway. They bought rings and referred to one another as husband, shared a house, a _life_ … they were happy.

But as they grew older, Kida could see a longing in Mikado.

It was something they had never really bothered to talk much about, since they couldn’t have any of their own, but as their surrounding friends started their own families, Kida could see there was a spark in Mikado’s eye. And as Kida watched Mikado handle the small child of Karisawa-san with such a gentle look on his face, he realized it was something he wanted too.

They applied for adoption, going through interview after interview. After three years, they had a young teenage girl agree to let them adopt her soon to be born child. They felt so lucky, finally, _finally._

They made it all way to the day of the delivery. Kida clutched Mikado’s hand as they waited excitedly, imagining their family, their future…

But the poor girl had to change of heart.

She decided to keep the baby.

Heartbroken, the two were back at step one. They returned home, and Mikado had curled up in their bed, quiet and lifeless, not moving for the rest of the day. It was like Kida’s heart had broken twice.

After some time the two started going to interviews again, but it was a slow process.

However, during a visit between them and Anri, who came over to their home often, an idea occurred to Kida.

They two had considered the idea before, but in the end they two found that they could not afford something like that. But with Anri…

At the time they had all been twenty-six, and yet in all this time Anri had remained single. Since they had graduated, both Mikado and Kida had worried about her, offering to set her up even. But she always shook her head, smiling.

_“No, I’m fine.”_

And, at the time, Kida was shamefully grateful that was the case. He proposed the idea to both of them, half expecting them to smack him. The hesitant looks Kida received instead set him a little on edge.

_“But… who would be the father?”_

Kida laughed.

_”Mikado, of course~!”_

The decision made perfect sense in Kida’s head. Mikado wanted this child, more than anything. It seemed right he should be the biological father. And a small part of him still remembered those years when Mikado had a crush on Anri, and in a way that almost made it… poetic.

But more than anything, Kida wanted to be able to see that gentle look on Mikado’s face again as he held his _own_ child.

Yes, it had to be Mikado.

Both Anri and Mikado gave him another _look_ , before Mikado reached out to clutch his hand.

_“Are you sure… you’d be okay with that?”_

Mikado had a concerned look on his face, but Kida could see there was a tiny spark of hope lingering in the back of his expression. Kida smiled and squeezed the hand in his.

_“Yeah.”_

He brought the small hand to his lips, lightly kissing the tips of Mikado’s fingers. A cheeky grin spread across his lips,

_“As long as you don’t **actually** sleep with Anri~! I wouldn’t forgive you~!”_

The comment earned him a smack and, after a few moments of laughter, Kida takes Anri’s hand in his free one.

_“So what do you say Anri-chan? Will you have our baby?”_

She agreed.

From there Mikado got in touch with Celty, who in return gave them a chance to talk to Kishitani-sensei. After working out a deal, Kishitani-sensei kindly agreed to do the procedure and they could make payments on the already considerably reduced total. The two offered to compensate Anri, but she declined, saying it was something she wanted to do for them.

But after some pestering, she caved and let them pay for most of her living expenses for the duration of the pregnancy. Once all the details were worked out, they at last moved along to the procedure.

The night before it, Kida and Mikado were huddled close in their bed when Mikado grabbed for Kida’s hand again.

_“Are you sure you’re okay with this? That it’s Anri and me…”_

Kida shifted forward to kiss Mikado chastely on the lips and then softly on his brow. He pulled away smiling,

_“It’s fine Mikado. I want this, for both of us. We wanted a family right?”_

Mikado clenched his hand, before a small smile worked its way onto his lips.

_“…Yes.”_

The next day the appointment went off without a hitch and a mere few weeks later Kishitani-sensei confirmed the test. Anri was pregnant.

The first few months of Anri’s pregnancy went by in a blur with daily visits to her house after work. They took turns making dinner for her, tending to some of the more strenuous chores, and making sure Anri was as comfortable as she could be. They attended birthing classes together, childrearing classes, and read book after book. When Anri was far along enough that even everyday activities became difficult, Mikado and Kida insisted that she lived in their home for the rest of her pregnancy.

She stayed in the guest room, and what would later be their nursery. The last couple of months rolled by, and before Kida knew it, they’re in the delivery room and he’s holding that precious baby girl. Big blue eyes stared up at him curiously, as Kida lightly brushed the little tuff of dark hair on her head.

She was beautiful.

He turned to Mikado, grinning,

_“Do you want to hold her?”_

Mikado looked like he was about to burst from excitement, skittering over to Kida. He carefully handed over the bundle, and Mikado immediately stiffened as he adjusted to hold her. After a few moments, Mikado tentatively stroked her cheek, an almost mystified look on his face. He looked up at Kida, face so bright,

_“Masaomi, we have a baby…!”_

Kida grinned just as brightly.

_“We do.”_

Mikado took another moment to admire the baby, before turning and sitting in the chair next to Anri. She was still a little exhausted looking, but she smiled as Mikado came over. He settled in the chair, before handing over the baby to Anri’s waiting arms. She looked down at the baby, smiling,

_“She’s wonderful.”_

Mikado reached out to caress the baby’s head, still looking like he couldn’t believe what just happened. He tried to thank her, voice catching a bit,

_“T-Thank you so much Son-… Anri.”_

Anri blushed prettily, before nodding slightly. Mikado shifted closer to stare at the baby, letting her grasp his finger with her tiny hand. Kida watched on, the first small pang echoing in his heart. It was a small, weird feeling, as he watched the three of them together, but he pushed it aside. He sat in the chair next to Mikado, leaning forward to smile sincerely,

_“Thank you, Anri.”_

She returned the smile,

_“Thank you too, both of you.”_

The first night they brought the baby home she slept between Mikado and Kida. They both tried to sleep but they ended up staying up most of the night just watching her. Mikado couldn’t stop petting her hair and Kida couldn’t stop _just watching them._ His family.

The first months are hard; no amount of classes or reading could have completely prepared them. Sometimes they don’t get enough sleep, changing diapers is awful, feeding her a challenge, not to mention adjusting their schedules to fit around her, the new center of their world. Alone time with Mikado was almost entirely reduced to nothing; they’re always busy, busy, busy.

Anri came over anytime she could to help; they wanted to make sure she was involved in the baby’s life as much as possible. After all she’s her mother. It made it a little easier, and it gave time for Mikado and Kida to reconnect and rest a little. When they did have the time to just sit and talk, it was mostly about their baby,

_“I think she’s starting to teeth~ She bit my finger today! It hurt quite a bit…”_

_“… Don’t put your fingers in our baby’s mouth, Masaomi.”_

_“My hands were clean! Anyway, we might want to get some more toys for her to chew on.”_

_“Hmmm, yeah I’ll try going to the store tomorrow…”_

Mikado leaned up to kiss Kida and he belatedly realized it was the first time he got to kiss Mikado in a week, but it was still wonderful and still as easy as breathing,

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

But for all the stress, it was all more than worth it when she finally looked up at him and said,

_“Dada!”_

It seemed all too soon she was walking, talking, growing; those weird little pangs Kida felt in his chest came back as he saw all those little aspects that reminded him of Mikado and Anri. They were small little things, like the little faces she made, the way she talked. He could see the way she was like the perfect combination of her parents (her _real ones?_ ),

_And how she’ll never be anything like him._

It was like a little sting in his heart every time he realized it, but he pushed it aside. This was Kida’s idea; he knew what he signed up for. He knew this would be the outcome, from the start. Kida had been prepared for this hadn’t he? Even if she wasn’t made from him, she was still his little girl. He raised her, he loved her _(god he loved her so much)_ , so that meant she was his _daughter,_ right?

Right?

She kept growing, year after year, each time the differences becoming more and more glaringly obvious. His heart ached in tandem with the years, and finally when she was six years old, she asked the question Kida never wanted to answer,

_“Why do I have two daddies and one mommy?”_

The four of them gathered together in the living room; their little girl between him and Mikado on the couch and Anri across from them on a chair. Kida tried to explain it as best as he could,

_“You see, Papa and I love each other very much and one day we decided we wanted to have a baby. But only a girl and a boy can make a baby. Since both papa and daddy are boys, we didn’t have all the parts to make you. So Mommy let Papa borrow her parts, and together they made you. That’s why they’re your mommy and papa. And I’m your daddy because…”_

Kida swallowed thickly,

 _“… because… I’m…”_ Both Mikado and Anri shot him a worried look, _“… because Daddy loves you very much. Do… Do you understand, sweetie?”_

She looked up at him, her face scrunched up in obvious confusion, but after a moment it relaxed and she nodded.

_“I think so…”_

Later when Mikado and Kida were in bed, Mikado tried to pick away at him, asking him about what he said. Why had he hesitated so much?

_“It’s nothing, Mikado. Don’t worry about it~ I was just having trouble finding the right words.”_

He kissed him hoping that would be enough to drop it.

_”Masaomi…”_

He kissed him again, a little longer,

_“Masaomi, are you sure you don’t want to talk about this? You looked…”_

Mikado’s face was drawn into a frown, and Kida couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. But he didn’t want to talk about it, admit what he was feeling; it was silly and a little _selfish,_ these nagging aches,

_“I told you it’s nothing, Mikado~ Don’t worry so much!”_

Kida pulled him close, kissing him again. A few fingers touch teasingly just barely under Mikado’s shirt,

_“Besides, isn’t there something much more fun we could be doing right now?”_

Mikado flushed and the matter was swept under the rug for the time being.

The years continued to roll by, and everyday he grew to love their little girl more. And each day it would reverberate in his heart and the ache would sting just a little harsher.

She’s ten now. Kida sits behind her on Mikado’s and his bed, slowly brushing her hair. Her hair is long and dark _(like Anri’s)_ , and Kida’s taken a liking to playing with it. It’s smooth and shiny, nothing like his own frizzed and dry hair.

Setting the brush aside, he takes another moment to finger the soft strands.

“Alright, sweetie, turn around.”

She obediently turns to face him, blue eyes strikingly clear _(like Mikado’s)_ staring up at him. He grabs some the clips _(cute little bow ones, from Anri)_ , and brushes her bangs to the side to pin them off. He sits back to admire his handy work, taking in the features of her face,

_Mikado’s eyes, Anri’s nose, Mikado’s cheeks, Anri’s lips, Mikado’s jaw, Anri’s ears, it hurts, it hurts so much—_

His hand isn’t as steady as he would like as he tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

“Y-You look so pretty, sweetie~”

She smiles so brightly,

“Thanks, daddy— Daddy? Daddy why are you crying?!”

The tears slip down his cheeks, like he’s sprung a leak somehow, and he can’t stop. He can see _them_ everywhere in her, but not him _he’s not a part of her at all,_

Kida reached forward to cup her face between his hands, kissing atop her head. She still looking up at him confused, and maybe a little scared,

She shouldn’t be seeing him cry like this.

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry, Daddy’s fine. I just… I just…”

His rests his head on top of hers, his secret finally whispering past his lips,

_“I wish you were mine.”_

Her arms wrap around his waist squeezing tightly, like a lifeline,

“But I am yours! R-Remember, you said so!”

He silently wraps his own arms around her, tears still streaming down his cheeks, pulling her close. She presses harder,

“E-even… even if daddy didn’t make me, I’m still yours! And Papa said…” Kida pulls back slightly to look down at her, a look of surprise covering his face, “Papa said you _did_ help make me because…you gave me half of your heart,”

She clutches above her own,

“…And all of your love. Right, Daddy?”

He stares down at her, this beautiful, young girl, _his daughter,_

He cries even harder, but this time there’s a smile on his face,

“You’re right, _you’re right.”_

Kida clutches her to his chest, burying his face in her hair,

_“Thank you.”_


End file.
